My Alter Ego

Every once in a while the goofiest thing happens when I’m alone and left to the follies of my own imagination – I find that I am possessed with new and exciting talents as my alter ego consumes me. I turn into a much sought after speaker and book writer, occasionally I’m the great communicator and know just the right words for any and every situation, there are moments when I’m a champion Olympic skier, and most often I turn into this singer with an incredible voice and a fan club full of millions of groupies.

Most of my greatness occurs when I’m alone in the car, especially when my drive is longer than fifteen minutes – not unusual for where I live. And the talent of the moment is dependent upon my mood and my current life circumstances.  The writing and communicating and skiing usually are a result of a recent incident or an upcoming event. Especially if I’ve just sent my novel to a publisher, or I’ve got to sit down with someone and hash out a difficult problem. Or, on the flip side, my trip to excellence happens after I have tackled a tricky issue and I’m now obsessed with reviewing the conversation with the person and coming up with all of the great and motivating things I should have said.

But a good eighty percent of the time, my gift is not any of the above mentioned aptitudes.  Generally when I’m in the car the radio gets cranked as loud as possible without blowing out my eardrums, and my vocal cords strive to reach the same caliber as singers and bands such as ZZ Top, Big and Rich, Sugarland, and Alison Krauss.  I pay no attention whatsoever to whether or not I’m on key, instead I let the music fill me and I bellow the words to my heart’s content.

And I know I’m not alone in these bursts of stardom.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve pulled up to a stop light only to glimpse the man or woman next to me totally enwrapped in a concert of their own.  Smiles, tears, anger, love, heartache,… one of those emotions is often written all over the faces of my automotive neighbors as the song in their car is turning them into an amazing singer who can capture the hearts of the masses.

In many respects our alone time really should help us to increase our focus, boost our confidence, and even delve into our emotional and ever-so-

slightly irrational side where glory and adoration reside.  That’s the beauty of that time we spend by ourselves, no matter how we spend it. For me, and for many of my roadway buddies, it’s often all about the song.   And I say good for you and good for me – let the singing commence.

Now I gotta go – my car and my fan club await me.

The Eight Letter Word I’ve Never Liked

Patience, patience, patience…nope, no matter how many times I say it, I’m just not a big fan of the word.  Sure – patience is a virtue, good things come to those who wait, you can never have too much patience, blah blah blah.  Guess it’s quite clear – patience and I just don’t go hand in hand.

I’m pretty certain I never have been too terribly adept at the waiting game. I remember spending an incredible amount of time and energy not wishing to wait as a young child, especially when my mother was on the telephone.  I’m not sure why, but it seems as though a lot of our mother’s used to engage in very lengthy phone conversations with the neighbors back in the 1970’s.   And it never failed, once she got on the phone I had to talk to her and I had to ask her a question.  She would snap her fingers, shush me with her lips, and probably lightly swat my behind, but I couldn’t wait. I’m sure my issues were minimal. Perhaps I wanted a dish of ice cream, or one of my brothers said something to annoy me.  Whatever the incident, it absolutely had to be dealt with right away.

And then I turned thirteen – the time of boys and dating and teenage angst.  If I liked a boy I more or less wanted him to know right away.  And then if he liked me I wanted to get any and all initial discussions over and done with so we could settle in to the ‘going out’ part.  I never liked the pre-dating game. Additionally, if an event loomed on the horizon – like my sixteenth birthday and the day I planned to get my driver’s license – I could hardly stand it.  The day simply could not come fast enough.

I’ve remained rather impatient into my adult years. I don’t like to wait to hear the results of tests; if I need to talk with someone I’d prefer to do it now; and if there’s a concern or an issue to resolve then let’s not waste any time but get the job done. And if someone is evaluating my work? Well, all bets are off.  That’s when I really begin to lose all fortitude and fall into a mess of jittery intolerance.

Yep – and that’s my current world – the one of a beginning and struggling author.   The writing, the re-writing, the editing, and the days of pulling the hair out of my head are endless. And that doesn’t even include the submission process!  Query an agent – and hurry up and wait.  Will they respond favorably, or worse – will they respond at all? It’s quite the conundrum, especially for someone like me who very much prefers to hear the feedback and get the results immediately – even if they might be negative.  I want to get an answer and move on. If they like my work I’m obviously exalted. If not, then I want to pick up the pieces to my battered ego, much less to the manuscript that now contains my heart and soul, and move on to the next potential agent. But, patience is the name of the game.

So I wait.  But I do not wait idly.  I continue to work, I continue to submit, I continue to strive to reach that final goal of a book sitting on the shelf of your local book store. And I think that’s what it comes down to in the end for all of us.  Yes, patience sucks.  There is no doubt about it.  But, we can’t get around it.  We can’t force people to respond or for events to happen any more quickly than they will.  We get impatient to meet the partner of our dreams, anxious for the birth of our first child, and restless because we need that job but won’t hear until the next week.  But patience isn’t about doing nothing. Be productive while you wait. It helps the time go by at least a bit faster, might help you achieve your goal, and usually makes the waiting not quite so painful.

As for me? I’ll make every effort to keep this blog in mind as I continue to wait. I’m not sure I’m ever going to like the word – patience – but I will push through. And I suppose it’s true – sometimes we simply just have to hurry up and wait. After all, patience is a virtue.

Who Cares?

The other day I had the opportunity to give my first, real-life pitch to an agent on my completed novel, The Path to Nowhere.  Prior to meeting her, and nearly without any ability to control it, I got nervous.  My heart raced, my palms got sweaty, my brain practically went into total shutdown, and the lunch I’d tried to eat earlier grumbled and churned in my belly.  And I can pretty much guarantee – the first five minutes of my allotted fifteen were a bust.

Later that evening I relayed the events of the day to my husband.  He shook his head. It’s understandable to get nervous, but really that agent, just like the rest of us, gets dressed one leg at a time. She was very kind and very helpful. It was completely unnecessary for me to be so concerned about what she was going to think of me or my project. 

It’s amazing how often I do that to myself – worry about what others think and consequently fall into a nervous frenzy.  And I know I’m not the only one.  Sure, it’s important to present ourselves as professional and on top of our game, and doing so can be stressful, but come on – somewhere along the line we’ve got to believe in our abilities and exude a little confidence! After all, I know I’m a decent writer, my novel is good, and I’m quite confident I didn’t have any leftover food stuck in my teeth or dribbled down the front of my blouse. 

Unfortunately I don’t have any answers to this dilemma.  I wish I could magically eject those nervous feelings and uncertainties from my head, just as I’m sure you wish you could eject them from yours when it happens in your life. And, like it or not most of us do care what others think, especially in situations like that.  But, we are who we are. And in that moment, at that time, honest to goodness confidence and a lot less fear really would have served me better.  It is certainly more beneficial in the long run to simply let down our walls and allow ourselves to be who we are. People will like us or they won’t, and that will be that.  If they don’t we move on. And if they do, well, then they do, and we still move on, just in a different direction.     

So, who cares? I guess we all do, and generally speaking we should – but not to the point where we potentially sabotage the possibility of a relationship, professional or otherwise.  And for me? At least I now have that first pitch over with. And next time hopefully I will be more capable of staving off those ‘who cares’ nerves. Best of luck to us all!